Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
