My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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