I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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