yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
