apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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