i already hear my dad disowning me
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize