So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
