Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
