I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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