i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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