I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We are all done wearing pants today
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
