Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
