He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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