Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
