if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
