Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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