The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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