It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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