He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
