Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
