I've blown a few things in my day
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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