Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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