...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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