She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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