I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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