Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
