I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
