you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
