I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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