sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize