you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
