I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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