evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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