Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I have tasted many bathrooms
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
