I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
