you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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