Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
