i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
