apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
