My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
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