Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize