When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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