I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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