I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
