You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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