So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
3 2 1 whiskey
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
