whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
