So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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