yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
