Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Is it because I queefed?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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