That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
