clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
