Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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