I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you win again, gameday.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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