This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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