My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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