i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
