Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
