You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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