I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
