apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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