i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
