There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
