I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
you never un-have a 4some
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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