I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
