Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Couch. On fire.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
